Subtitles by flitze

No fuckin' way.

Come on, Ben.

No, it's not worth it.

I can totally see it: 70 years from now,

you bring your grandchildren here

and you say, "Kid, when I was your age,

I almost went down this hill."

What if a car comes?

We'd be decapitated.

Think about it: how many girls like headless guys?

We'd never get laid,

and then the chances of us even having grandchildren

would be very, very small.

- That is so you, Ben. - What?

You're always analyzing things.

"If I do this, how does it affect that?"

You're always looking so far ahead,

you never do anything now!

Wait, you were the one who told me to think about my grandchildren.

Because I was appealing to your logical mind.

Come on,

can't we do one exciting thing this summer?

Okay.

Finally.

Don't bail.

I won't.

Look, I won't. I swear to God I won't, okay?

Let's go.

That was not my fault.

I swear to God, that was not my fault.

Okay, maybe it was my fault.

Hey, Thomas, you want to help?

Not really.

That's my boy.

Here man.

Chris, stop being an asshole.

You're swearing at the dinner table.

Chris, don't be a fuckin' asshole.

Oh, real nice, dad!

To think that I'm related to you

makes me feel a little queasy inside.

Aha, I thought you were all about peace and love.

I am, but for you, I'll make an exception.

Sylvia Sobal and I are going to the new Picasso exhibit.

Didn't he sleep with tons of women?

I mean, you might as well go to a Playboy exhibit by Hugh Hefner.

I think there's a small difference between Picasso's Guernica,

and the Miss May centerfold.

Well Lou, Ben brought up an interesting point.

When do we separate the artist and their art from their actions?

Why does every conversation we have at dinner

have to be so intellectual?

Elise, we should feel free to discuss any subject,

don't you think?

I got it.

Okay, I think that's about everything.

Bill, what are you doing?

I think that's pretty evident.

Why do you always have to do this to me?

Cause I'm hungry. Cause I worked a long day,

and I want to put some food into my stomach.

Okay.

For all you cute birds that sing well,

hey God, thanks for everything. Amen.

Alright, dig in kids.

Is saying grace before dinner just

too much for you to do?

Maybe we can alternate nights.

Pray one night, and not the next.

Thomas, stay out of this.

Why won't you do it...

for me?

Because I don't believe in God, Jenny.

For me to pray is the height of hypocrisy.

What if God does exist?

Alright, if the heavens open up

and Judgement Day has arrived,

then I dare anybody to beat me to my knees to pray for forgiveness.

But until that day, which I don't believe in either,

why waste my breath thanking some mythical figure

that really has nothing to do with this dinner?

Fine, Bill!

So Cory, are you a student?

Not right now, no.

So, do you work?

Yeah, here and there.

Cory's gonna start his own business.

Starting a business isn't easy these days.

It's not a bad idea to have a good education behind you.

Bill Gates didn't finish college,

and I'd say he did pretty good for himself,

wouldn't you say, Mr. Shankle?

Sorry about my parents.

Don't worry about it.

It ain't your fault.

They were like totally grilling you.

It was embarrassing.

The way I see it,

people that age,

their lives have been a big disappointment.

They end up totally trapped.

Drive to work in some lame-ass sedan.

Sit at a desk from nine to six, or seven.

Kiss the boss's ass.

Then go home to 2.2 kids.

My parents raised two.

Which proves my point.

Your parents are only .2 off the average, boring existence.

They never had true success,

so they doubt anyone else can either.

And that's why they buy into the bullshit

that you gotta go to college to become somethin'.

I know it's the opposite.

Goin' to college only guarantees you'll be a boring,

drone-like robot that'll never amount to nothin'.

A slave.

A fuckin' failure.

I totally know what you mean.

I mean, my nightmare is that I go to college,

get married,

drive a minivan,

and bring oranges to my kid's soccer game.

And 2.2 kids.

What do I do with that partial kid?

You know, when the others are off playing soccer.

No problem,

he can be the ball.

Hold tight.

Yeah.

Hey, you wanna give it a shot?

Sure.

You guys need someone with real muscles.

You've been shootin' up the steroids again, Ben?

Somethin' like that.

Here you go.

You don't need me anymore?

No, get out of here.

Thanks Dan. Yeah.

Oh, and guys,

you want some advice on women,

from a guy with a little experience?

Let's hear it.

Whatever you do,

just don't be yourself.

We'll keep that in mind.

I was skating by Bagelicious the other day

and I saw Dana Veeter working there.

So?

So?

She's a perfect 10 man.

I know she's a perfect 10.

She was in my chemistry class last semester.

I just don't know why that's news.

I mean that's like saying Anna Kapler works at Arby's, or

Lisa Strahm works at Taco Bell.

Yeah, but the difference between Dana Veeter

and those other girls is she told Mark Elsby

she thought you were a pretty funny guy.

When?

When what?

When did she tell Mark Elsby this,

and when did he tell you?

He told me like a month ago,

and I have no idea when she told him.

Why didn't you tell me right away?

I didn't think it was a big deal.

If I knew a perfect 10 that thought you were funny,

I'd tell you right away.

I mean, that's what friends are for, don't you think?

Look at you.

You're mad a cute girl thinks you're funny.

I'm not mad about that, I'm mad you didn't tell me.

I mean, information is key

in the battle between the sexes.

So, what do you think?

Nothing special.

Nothing special?

Are you kidding?

Do you see that body?

She's perfect.

Relax Ben, I was kidding, she's hot.

So, you gonna make the move?

You saw her wave right?

Yeah.

So, what do you think?

I think she waved.

Yeah, but was that wave like a,

"Hi, whoever you are,"

or,

"Hi, you seem like a cool guy?"

What difference does it make?

It makes all the difference.

I mean, if she's not interested,

she'll laugh in my face,

but if she is,

then I take action, right?

Ben either way, it doesn't matter.

We're not kids anymore.

Women expect the dude to make the first move.

They respect guys with balls, it's true.

You're right.

30, or 40 people coming in.

- That could work. - You can do it. - Yeah.

So, listen, I'll give you guys a call,

and I have like 35 people coming, okay?

- Alright. -Thanks a lot.

- Have a good one. - Have a nice day.

Hi.

Hi.

Remember me?

Ben Schenkel from chemistry class.

That class is so boring.

Yeah, I totally know what you mean.

Except, you know, I try to do

fun little things to make it more interesting.

Like what?

Like, you remember when Mrs. Russel

told us that the hydrochloric acid

we were working with was really toxic?

Sort of.

Well, right after she said that,

I went right up to Gary, my lab partner,

and drank a full test tube.

Of hydro-chloric acid?

No, no, no, no, but that's what he thought it was.

See, actually I had just filled it up with regular water.

Was he freaking out.

Funny.

Hey Ken, um,

- did you want to... - It's Ben.

Ben actually.

Ben.

Did you want to order something?

Actually,

I wanted to ask you...

you want to do something,

sometime?

You mean like a date?

No, um,

yeah, yeah, but we can do anything you want.

Like, dinner, or a movie,

or we can go to a party and just hang out, you know?

Is this a dare?

What do you mean?

Is asking me out some sort of dare

between you and your little skateboarder friend over there?

Yeah.

Yeah it's just a dare to be funny.

And you know me, I'm...

I'm a funny guy.

So?

What?

What happened?

Dude, you're just a gossip.

I just want to know what happened.

She said, "Yeah."

No way.

Yeah, we're gonna do something next Friday night.

That's great.

Yeah, we don't know what, you know,

probably dinner, or a movie, or just hangin' out.

Shit!

You okay?

Today has been a fucking disaster.

You're worried about a little road-rash?

Think about it.

You have a date next Friday with Dana Veeter.

A perfect 10!

I can't lie.

I'm not going out with Dana Veeter.

Why not?

Cause,, when I went for it,

she asked if it was...

some kind of dare between you and me.

I said it was.

Well, no wonder you don't have a date with her.

You didn't even ask her out for real.

It wouldn't matter.

Yeah, there's no way she was going to say yes, anyway.

I mean, well,

since you were honest,

well, I guess I should be too.

What do you mean?

Dana Veeter never told Mark Elsby

she thought you were funny.

Then, what did she tell him?

Nothing.

I mean, she didn't tell him anything.

Then, why did you say she did?

Well, I don't know, I mean, I...

I thought it might get you fired up,

'cause I knew you liked her.

You're not mad, are you?

Get off!

Hoodlum, I'm gonna call the police.

Go ahead, my dad's the chief of police,

and he'll arrest you for assault!

Hey Thomas, think fast.

Hey watch out, here it comes.

Fuck off Chris.

Are you tellin' me to fuck off?

Fuck.

Oh, you want me to let you go?

No, I love you on top of me.

I'll bet you do.

Hey come on, let's go gush some people.

Nice dog.

Thanks.

What kind of dog is it?

We're not sure, we got him at the pound.

I'd say it's some kind of water dog.

Fucking assholes.

Idiots!

Grow up!

Hey Chris, do you really think we should be doing this?

What do you mean?

Well, I don't know, I mean, it seems a little cruel.

You've been talkin' to Susan too much,

with all that save the whales,

and eat hemp, and compost your shit.

Give me a break.

Come on, let's go nail some faggots outside of Bobby's Boys.

Hey, you guys know where we can get some action?

What kind of action?

Water sports.

Oh, fuck!

- Hey, Chris... - Hold on, let me get some more ammo.

Isn't that dad's car right there?

You boys got some ID?

And the winner of the 42.4 million dollar lottery jackpot is...

Imagine what we could do with that money.

Let's buy a ticket.

Don't bother.

Why not?

We studied the lottery in our statistics class.

You're better off goin' to Vegas and putting your money on roulette.

Roulette doesn't pay off 42.4 million dollars, pal.

I'm saying you're better off going to Vegas,

and continuously letting your money ride on roulette.

I mean, your odds are still higher than the lottery.

That doesn't work.

There's no way to have such a long winning streak.

I should know, I've played in Vegas.

Yeah Ben, I mean how could you know more than Cory?

He's actually been there.

You don't have to be there, it's pure math.

Hey Cory.

Time for you to head home.

No problem.

Bye.

Love you.

Thank you for the food we eat,

thank you for the world so sweet,

thank you for the birds that sing,

thank you God for everything, amen.

- Amen. - Amen.

Anyone hungry?

I know I am.

Yeah, it looks good.

So, does anybody have an interesting dinner time topic?

Maybe dad does.

Hey,

how about a toast.

To the cook of this fine meal.

Please.

Who also happens to be the most beautiful woman

in the whole world.

Bill, what is going on with you?

Yeah dad, what is going on with you?

Chris, what are you talking about?

Why don't you tell mom where you were last night.

She already knows.

I was at work.

No, you weren't.

Well, yeah I was.

Unfortunately, a 40-hour a week

in my line of work is unrealistic.

It's more like 50, or 60,...

Why are you lying?

Chris, what has gotten into you?

He's a jerk, mom, he can't help it.

Fuck off, Susan.

Need I say more?

Look, I may be an asshole,

but at least I don't have a wife and kids,

and pick up guys at gay bars.

Chris, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Come on, Thomas and I saw you

at Bobby's Boys gay bar last night.

I think we have a major case

of mistaken identity here, major!

It's true.

Thomas, tell them.

This whole situation is really freaking me out.

It's true, I swear to God!

Alright Chris, if it makes you feel better,

I'll say that I was at, whatever it was called,

Barry's Boys, even though I wasn't,

and I have no idea what you're talking about.

How could you do this to us?

Do what?

Work overtime to put a roof over your head?

Come on Chris, I mean, maybe it was someone else!

You asshole!

Jenny, this is all a mix-up.

After all I've done for you?

Three kids, thousands of meals!

- Damn it, damn it! - Just listen to me.

Dad, you better get out of here before I kick your ass!

Don't threaten me, you little shit!

Calm down, everyone calm down.

You lying, no good, asshole!

Hey. No this is all a big mistake.

Damn right, the biggest mistake of your life.

Thomas, tell them.

Tell them it wasn't me.

You better leave.

That's right, get out of here!

I'm not gay.

Oh God!

This came for you, earlier today.

It's been opened.

Yeah, it was addressed to Ms. Schenkel,

I thought it was for me.

Why would San Diego State be sending you anything?

Look, I didn't see where it came from, okay?

I am a Ms. Schenkel too, you know.

It's your dorm room assignment.

You read it?

Elise, you're my daughter.

Your education is very important to me.

That doesn't give you the right to open my mail.

Alright, I get you, now drop it.

Besides, I'm not going to San Diego State.

Then where are you going to go?

I'm not going to go to college.

What are your plans?

I'm gonna help Cory out with his new business.

Have you told dad this yet?

No.

Elise, you're making a huge mistake.

Says who?

Look, when you were young,

I had such high hopes for you.

You were really bright.

And then, you went off to high school,

you quit violin, you started hanging around those friends,

and it all just fell apart.

It didn't fall apart!

I found people who believe in me, like Cory.

He thinks I'll be really good at business.

Cory is a loser!

I was already disappointed by you.

San Diego State?

You're so much better than that.

UCLA at least,

but skipping college altogether?

I know what you want.

For me to go to college, get some boring desk job,

marry some boring guy, and have 2.2 kids.

You know what?

That might have been good enough for you,

I'm not falling into that bullshit trap.

You think you know it all.

No, but I know you don't.

He promised me he would keep things under control.

What happened?

He's been out at the gay bars again.

Chris and Thomas saw his car parked at Bobby's Boys.

They confronted him over dinner.

So, your children know?

Yeah.

That's not good news.

I know.

That's why I kicked him out.

How did he take it?

To tell you the truth,

I mean, I think he was relieved.

Relieved!

22 years.

22 years!

Damn it!

When we didn't have enough money,

we couldn't pay the heating bills.

I'll never forget bringing a date home,

and my dad lending him a jacket,

just to sit in the living room.

It was so embarrassing.

And another chapter from the

"We Were Poor, But We Were Happy: Miriam as a Child" stories.

Can't you kids be nice to your mother,

at least one night a year?

Who's not being nice?

We haven't complained once about the food.

Haha, my son the comedian.

I'll get it.

Alright, nobody tell me.

Where's the big birthday girl?

Happy birthday, Miriam!

Thank you, Cory.

How many is it?

22?

Slightly more, unfortunately.

I don't think you have a chance, Cory.

I don't think she dates guys that aren't Jewish.

Good one, Lou!

For you.

Well Cory, you didn't have to.

I hope you didn't buy something really nice,

and make me look bad.

Well, I wouldn't do nothin' to make you look bad.

You do a pretty good job on your own.

It's a book all about classical music writers.

Composers.

Well, thank you Cory, for thinking of me.

Thomas is a big sports fan.

Yeah, baseball, football?

No, more like snowboarding and skateboarding.

You mean those extreme sport things.

One thing's for sure: my fat ass

and anything with wheels, unless it's got

automatic transmission and full air conditioning,

does not mix.

Come on, Joel, we'll strap some roller-blades on you yet.

I don't think so.

Anyway, I gotta run.

- Nice meeting you guys. - Nice meeting you.

Yeah.

So, how are you two doin'?

Cut the shit, dad.

Listen Chris, I think we should try being civil here.

After the crap you pulled,

you're gonna lecture me on being civil?

If we can't even talk calmly,

you can leave right now.

Fine.

Thomas, you hangin' in there?

Look, we're talkin' calmly,

but not all this friendly shit.

Let's not forget that you're the one

that left your wife and kids.

Okay, what do you want to talk about?

We want you to come home.

You do that, and we'll forget about everything that's happened.

You have my word.

So, why the sudden love for dad?

Well, this has nothin' to do with us.

It's about mom.

We think she's drinking.

Your mother's been drinking for a long time.

She's an alcoholic.

It's not because of me.

Well, I don't think your shit's helped.

So, what do you say dad?

You gonna come home?

No.

It's time I moved out.

I mean Joel's been real nice lettin' me stay here, but

soon I'm gonna have to find a place of my own.

After all that she's done for you,

and what we've done too?

You're a real fuck, you know that?

I love you too, Chris.

I know it really hurts.

It really is the best for everyone.

Even your mother.

Do you even know about her car accident?

Yeah, I do.

Come on Thomas, let's go.

It's okay Chris, I can give him a lift home.

I said, "Let's go!"

Sorry.

It's okay.

No, when Joe sees some attractive leg,

there ain't no stoppin' him.

I'm surprised he can see anything with those big ears in the way.

Well, they say that basset hounds

see with their noses.

So, what you actually meant is, he smelled our legs?

Well, I don't mean your legs smell or anything like that.

It's okay, if any guy's gonna smell our legs,

I'd prefer a guy like Joe.

Oh, I got a kiss!

I'm so jealous!

Right don't be, with Joe, there's kisses all around.

Would you just look at that face?

I know.

So, you guys go to school around here?

Yeah, St. Mary's.

Yeah, I've heard of it.

The Catholic school?

Yeah, with a name like St. Mary's,

I figured it wasn't a school for the haseum.

I go to Garfield.

I heard that's a total party school.

Yeah, yeah, we're always drinking, and

other shit like that.

I think anything is a party school compared to St. Mary's.

But hey, aren't those nuns beer bongin'

and smokin' pot all the time?

Not exactly.

Hey, I don't know if you're interested or not,

but me and my best friend Thomas,

real cool guy,

now we're headed out to a party this weekend.

Maybe you want to head out there with us?

The show where we bring singles together,

and let them find someone they really like.

Cory, you know the drill.

Dad, please.

It's okay, I'm on my way home anyway.

Good.

They're so annoying.

Don't worry about it.

They're my parents, it's embarrassing.

Who's gonna be embarrassed

when we live in an eight bedroom mansion by the beach?

They'll be eatin' shit then, huh?

I love you.

I love you too.

He's gone, okay?

Your turn.

15 points.

"Jerk?"

It's a real word.

I'm not gonna challenge you on it.

That's what he is.

Mom.

I'm not even talking about to me,

but to you, and to Susan, and to Chris.

I mean, what he did is something

no true father would ever do to his children, ever!

I know, mom.

Tell me you won't see him again.

Please.

I won't.

Miriam.

Miriam.

Do you remember paying the registration on the van?

I don't know. Why?

We have records of payin' for the cars, but not the van.

I'm gonna go check.

Honey, it's late.

I don't want to pay a late fee, okay?

Let's not forget that one of us

forgot to pay their car's registration last year.

Jerk.

Who's in there?

I said, "Who's in there, I'll call the cops!

Get the hell out of my van!

Look, I can totally explain.

Get out now!

Dad, you're gonna kill him!

If this goes in,

Caitlyn and me are goin' to hook up tonight.

Which one's Caitlyn?

The tall hot one.

So, what am I getting? Dog food?

Dude, no way.

I mean Heather's hot too.

That's why this whole situation was so unbelievable.

Two hot girls together.

I mean, usually there's an aggregate total of 10,

but this is different.

Caitlyn's a 10 plus,

and Heather's a nine.

That's a total of 19, or nine more than normal.

I got a C in math, remember?

If you add the points of two girls that hang together,

it's usually 10.

If one's a 10, then other's a zero.

If one's a five, then the other's a five.

No offense man, but how did a guy like you

get them to hang out with us?

I said, that we were going to a real cool party,

and asked if they wanted to come.

We don't get invited to real cool parties.

I know that, we know that, but they don't know that.

These are Catholic school girls,

they don't know better.

Hey Thomas, five more minutes till your lunch is over.

Got it.

If this goes in,

Caitlyn and I hit it off,

get married, have kids,

then they have kids,

then one day, they come here to shoot hoops,

to see whether or not they'll hook up

with you and Heather's grandkids.

Oh yeah!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry, did that go in?

Oh, it did, it went in, it went in.

Oh, spank it, spank it, that's what's goin'.

Yeah, come on.

Your dad and I have reached a decision.

Cory is no longer allowed in the house.

What?

This is our house, and here we make the rules.

After all he's done for you?

He even got you a birthday present.

That doesn't allow him a free pass for bad behavior.

You're just mad your sweet, innocent daughter

isn't all she's cracked up to be.

Now, Elise control yourself.

Fine, I'll move in with Cory.

Where? In the back of his truck?

Bitch.

Don't talk to your mom like that,

and until you turn 18, you're living here in this house.

After that, you do what you want.

When October 9th comes around,

you can forget you ever had a daughter.

'cause you'll never see me again.

So, what'd you bring?

100 proof, Russian vodka.

Where'd you score it?

Connections.

Who?

The vodka gods, Ben.

The ones who were saying: "Take this premium vodka,

and use it to make sure that Caitlyn girl gets so wasted,

she'll be willing to sleep with your friend, Ben Schenkel."

Amen to that.

Cool place.

This is nothing.

You shoulda seen the house we had before.

Then, my dad ran away with the nanny, and

my parents got divorced.

Typical bullshit.

You're Catholic, right?

Yeah, all it means is you're guaranteed to have a fucked-up family.

I know we'll be fucked up when we get older.

Think we're already on our way.

I'm Catholic too.

Your parents divorced?

No.

They will be.

His parents have three kids.

They're the most normal people I know.

Enough Catholic shit.

We already get this 24/7 from the nuns?

Tell me about it.

Let's check out this Garfield party you guys told us about.

You sure?

Yeah.

Those parties suck.

It's 10 dollars to get in, and you can't even get a beer.

You told us it was going to be out of control.

Yeah, but like 95% of the time,

the wild ones get busted by like 11 o'clock.

Then you're out of the cash with nowhere to go.

It happened to us last week.

Right, at Riley's house.

That fuckin' sucked.

Hey, we got two nice guys, and a bottle of vodka.

What more do we need?

Truth or dare?

Truth.

If you could have sex with anyone in this room,

who would it be?

I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

Okay, if you're talkin' like that,

you're too sober.

Shot.

Shot.

Shot.

Shot.

Okay,

who would you fuck if you could?

Caitlyn.

Spin.

Thomas, truth or dare?

Dare.

Okay.

Hurry up, or we'll have to take another shot.

No, okay, okay.

Thomas,

I dare you...

to lick Heather's neck.

Good idea.

It deserves a shot anyway.

Okay, Thomas, this neck is all yours.

Hey Thomas, I think you missed.

Her necks actually a bit lower.

Sue me.

Truth or dare?

Truth.

What did you think of Ben

when you first saw him? In one word.

Cute.

Not bad buddy.

I was thinkin' "ripped", but

I guess there's definitely worse than "cute", too.

When they come out,

I'm gonna get Heather in that room.

How?

I'm gonna say, "Come here."

"Come here?"

That's the worst line I've ever heard.

Ben, the time for lines is over.

It's all about closing the deal.

From you?

It'll never work.

It would never work if she was sober,

but she's wasted.

It'll work!

And you better not fuck up either.

Fuck up?

Look, Caitlyn's not gonna be some cheesy one-night stand, okay?

Ben, think about it.

All relationships begin with one-night stands.

I'm gonna do this my way, okay?

You mean, be Mr. Nice Guy,

and then get shafted?

Be aggressive.

Oh shit.

Hey Heather.

What?

Come here.

Come here.

Alright.

Heather,

she's wild.

Yeah.

You play any sports?

Like, on a team?

Yeah.

No.

Yeah, me neither, I mean,

if our school had a skateboarding team,

me and Thomas would definitely be on it.

So,

did you,

did you really mean what you said before?

What's that?

That I'm cute.

Sure.

Well, I think that you are the most

beautiful girl I have ever seen.

Seriously!

Hold on a sec.

Sure.

Hi.

You called?

Yeah.

Well, don't call my cellphone anymore.

Why not?

Just don't.

Cellphones can be so impersonal.

Lowell, this is Ben.

Hi.

Right.

Can I have a hit?

No.

Why not?

Cause it's mine.

Pretty please. I'll pay you back.

I think what you're referring to is called prostitution.

Goods for services.

So true dude, so true.

Hey Thomas.

- What? - Come here a second.

Can it wait?

Come here!

I'm not leaving.

She's almost fucking that guy out there.

I can't just leave Heather, okay?

How long have you known Heather?

Three hours.

How long have you known me?

11 years.

Listen Ben,

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you and Caitlyn,

but I really like this Heather girl.

I'm not leaving.

Come on, Thomas.

- Ben. - Look,...

fuck you!

Hey kid,

can you help me?

- What is it? - Would you give me a couple bucks?

Sorry, I'm totally broke.

What, a rich kid like you?

Listen man, I'm serious, I don't have any money!

Don't give me that, you little shit.

Where is it, come on!

- What the fuck? - Want some more. asshole?

Nobody fucks with me and gets away with it!

Nobody!

Hit the road, dude!

Hey man, you alright?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You sure?

You don't look alright.

Well, let's just say that

almost getting killed by that drunk guy

wasn't the worst thing that's happened to me tonight.

You got dissed by a hot chick, didn't you?

What are you some sort of psychic, or something?

Franklin, a psychic?

Let's try minimum-wage high school dropout, dishwasher.

Who got you the job anyway, Beaupre?

Whatever.

No man, I can just sense, put two and two together.

I know when a dude's in pain.

It ain't nothin' to be ashamed of.

When I was your age,

I fell in love with this girl named Amanda Campbell.

And when I asked her out,

she wouldn't even go out with me.

You know the reason why.

Cause you're short.

No, dude, 'cause I'm a skater like you.

Sorry about the being short comment.

It's alright, no worries.

He's short, I look like Charles Manson, the mass murderer.

Nobody's perfect.

My nose is kind of big.

Now you're catchin' on.

Dude, just be yourself.

If a chick doesn't dig you,

find a chick who likes skinny dudes with a big nose.

They're out there.

Where?

If they were right there, hittin' you in the face,

you wouldn't realize anyway.

See you, kid.

Now go on kid, or he'll make you.

What?

Let's skate.

No.

You're not mad, are you?

Ben, it wasn't my fault.

No one would've been happier than me

if it woulda worked out for you and Caitlyn.

You didn't seem to give a shit last night.

I was buzzed, and I was with Heather.

Who I set you up with.

Who you set me up with.

Look, if it means anything to you,

I'm sorry if you thought I was a jerk.

Give me a break, okay.

My life hasn't been that easy lately.

It seemed easy last night.

My father's gay.

Bullshit.

I swear to God.

Why should I believe anything you say?

I mean, you lied about Dana Veeter.

"She thinks you're funny, Ben."

Yeah, right.

That was a joke.

This is true.

Chris and me caught him at Bobby's Boys.

And mom's drinkin' now, too.

Where do you think I got the vodka?

She's an alcoholic.

Don't give me these bullshit, sympathy lies.

You made your choice.

Go hang out with Heather and Caitlyn.

Fine, I think I will.

Well, Judy, there's good news.

Hello.

Yeah, hold on.

It's for you.

Hello.

Yeah, this is Elise Schenkel.

Yeah, I know Cory Madson.

Dad.

Yeah?

Can I borrow the car?

Can I ask why?

Cory's in jail.

Jail?

Yeah, but it's totally not his fault.

Can I help you?

I'm here to visit my boyfriend.

ID.

- What? - Identification please.

Sorry.

I'm afraid you won't be able to visit.

Why not?

You have to be 18 to visit the incarcerated,

unless you are a relative.

But I'm his girlfriend.

Girlfriends are not relatives according to state law.

You don't understand, I'm all he's got.

Isn't there anything that can be done?

I'm sorry, that's just the way it is.

So, what's the story?

I picked up this hitchhiker last night.

Then this cop pulls me over.

But the hitchhiker says that there's a warrant for his arrest, so I floor it.

I know you think I'm out of touch, and that might be true,

but why don't you tell me what really happened?

Not the bullshit you said to my daughter.

It's true, I swear to God.

Listen, Cory. I'm not sure what your family thinks of you,

but something gives me the feeling

I'm all you got at this point in time.

So it seems you might want to be honest with me.

Breakin' and entering.

Anything else?

Possession of stolen property.

What's the bail?

10,000 dollars.

Which means like 1,000 to a bail bondsman.

Against my better judgement,

I'm gonna make you an offer, you interested?

Sure.

I'll lend you the bail money,

but if you take it,

you have to promise: as soon as you get out of here,

you're gonna start workin' full-time until you pay it off.

You ain't gonna tell Elise, are you?

About breakin' and entering.

Between you and me.

Thanks, Lou.

You got it.

Now, that's the last piece.

What do you say, we call it a day?

No argument here.

Good. Big plans for the weekend?

No, not really, you?

Fly-fishing up at Leaf Creek.

Get out of town, you know?

Sounds great.

You fly-fish?

No, but I fished with regular bait,

like worms, and salmon eggs.

You interested in joining?

I think I got an old fly rod,

and I'm sure I could teach you to cast pretty quick.

Yeah, if it's no problem.

It's no problem at all, but

just don't expect deluxe accommodations.

Do I look like the kinda guy that's

gonna demand a five-star hotel?

I don't know Thomas, I mean you always

come across as kind of a snob to me.

Especially when you wear this stained t-shirt.

Excuse me, can you tell me where Vista Street is?

Oh, you're looking for the Vista Street Park?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's easy, just go down the street two blocks,

turn right, and you can't miss it.

It's about five minutes from here.

Nice dog.

Yeah, that's Joe.

Hi, joe.

Cute baby.

All babies pretty much look the same.

Oh it's not my baby.

I'm an au pair, a nanny.

Right, I thought that would be weird for a mother to say.

Well, even if it were my baby, I still think all babies look alike.

Honesty, I like that.

You're the first American who isn't offended by my honesty.

Well, not me.

By the way, I'm Ben.

Hi, I'm Annika.

I'm going out.

You know the rules, don't come home late.

I've got a date.

Like a real date?

Yeah.

Rules, shmules.

If things are looking good, go ahead and stay out,

and I'll cover for you.

Thanks dad.

Good luck.

There's nothin' like a fire, is there?

No.

I mean you can just stare at it for hours and hours,

and not get bored.

Your thoughts racing from one subject to another.

I think it's some kind of a primal instinct of man,

this fascination with fire.

Plus it's nice to sit by when it's cold out.

A survival method when men didn't have adequate shelter.

That's why I like coming up here on the weekends.

Get away from the traffic, the smog, all that bullshit.

Yeah, it's a lot less stressful here.

Because we're livin' like we used to.

You hungry? You catch a fish.

You want to get warm?

Gather some twigs and start a fire.

You want a beer?

I don't know.

Oh here, just don't say anything

to your parents about it.

You know, they can get real touchy about stuff like that.

I know mine sure did.

Keep it pumpin'.

Okay.

Thanks.

Hey, weren't you just in prison?

Jail, yeah.

I heard you beat the shit out of some cop.

Somethin' like that.

- Well, see ya! - Right.

This country's so hypocritical.

What do you mean?

In Finland, we don't make such a big deal about alcohol.

And sex! Oh, give me a break.

If I bring a guy back to my house in Finland,

my parents don't care if we sleep in the same bed.

I mean, we're gonna fuck anyway right?

Right.

I mean, I've never been to Finland,

but I'm sure it's not more screwed up than this country.

And another totally stupid thing here,

people are asking me, "Hi, how are you?"

I always start answering them:

"Thanks for asking. I actually have a bit of headache."

But then I realize they didn't want an answer,

and then they: "Good."

That is so fucked up here.

Yeah, I totally agree.

No, you don't!

I don't?

No, you don't.

You're only agreeing because you think

if you agree with me enough, then I'll fuck you.

Let's make everything clear.

I'm not gonna fuck you no matter what.

So, you might as well as be yourself.

Stand up for yourself,

and tell me what you really feel, instead of some bullshit lines,

then maybe we can have a real conversation.

Chug, chug, chug, come on, come on.

- Go! - Drink that, drink that!

Many have tried, and none have succeeded.

Alright, who's next?

You know, Thomas, don't you think it's luck

that somehow you of all people

saw that ad I'd put up for an assistant.

Yeah, I mean my parents were so on my ass

to get a job at the time.

Well, the job of course,

but the fact that we became friends too.

That we're here this weekend, talkin' on the same level,

free to just be ourselves, without worrying about

a lot of petty bullshit, like most people do.

Yeah, I guess it's pretty cool

I can go camping with my boss.

Boss?

Fuck you!

Fuck you for saying I'm your boss

and not your friend.

Sorry, Dan, don't get mad about it.

I'm not mad.

Come here, let me prove it to you that we're friends.

Come here and give me a hug.

Okay.

There, that's no big deal, right?

Sure.

Go, go, go, go.

Winner, and still champion.

Cory, Cory, Cory.

Madsen, Madsen, Madsen.

And not only am I the chug champion,

I'm also fuckin' the hottest chick around.

Elise Schenkel.

Who else can say that?

Who the fuck else can say that?

For starters, I can.

The fuck, fuckin' punk.

Dude, let go.

I oughta kill you.

- Let him go. - He was just kidding.

Were you just kidding?

Yeah, man, yeah.

Say you're sorry.

I'm sorry, look, it was a joke.

Hey, I'm a fun guy.

I can take a joke.

The thing about America is that it doesn't have real culture.

What do you mean by culture?

History, tradition.

Europe is thousands of years old, and much more advanced.

In what way?

Let's see.

What does America offer?

Jackass,

McDonalds,

Keanu Reeves.

And from Europe?

Michelangelo,

Picasso, Mozart.

Hitler, Stalin,

and let's not forget Arnold Schwarzenegger's your fault, not ours.

Still, American culture is just

fast food, and escapist movies.

Europe is filled with 1,000 year old cities.

Have you been to New Mexico?

No.

They have these Indian villages on top of Mesas.

They're over 1,000 years old, and

members from the original tribe still live there.

I went there with my family last spring.

That doesn't count.

Really?

So, I guess according to you,

Geronimo was actually a Finnish dude.

What about art?

Music?

Food?

Just admit, Europe is far more advanced.

I actually think America has more to offer now.

I mean, who invented jazz?

Blues? Rock and roll?

And as far as writers,

don't tell me Europe has anyone as witty or perceptive as Mark Twain.

I never read anything by him.

Maybe you should.

I mean you might learn something.

Thomas,

can I be honest with you?

Totally honest.

Sure.

I have been so...

in love with you.

Ever since the first day you started workin' for me.

What are you thinking?

So, you're gay?

It's not about gay, or straight, or

or any other label.

It's about one person loving another.

What are you doing?

What?

I saw you with that guy.

What guy?

In the jean jacket.

First of all, I'm not with any guy except you.

Second, that guy is Jerry Turner,

he's like an old friend of the family, and nothing is going on between us.

Bullshit.

Cory, you're drunk.

Okay, listen to me, nothing is going on.

Then, don't talk to him.

I'll talk to who I want.

Is he a college boy?

I think Lou and Miriam would approve.

You know what, I don't think you should be talkin'

about my parents like that after they helped you out.

I knew you were on their side.

I'm not even gonna respond to that.

And American girls are always so hard to get to know.

It's always, "Oh, you look so cute."

They're so shallow.

If you're an example of a deep European girl,

I think I prefer shallow American girls.

That was real nice.

I thought you wanted total honesty.

I do.

Well, now you're getting it,

and you don't seem happy about it.

Who said I wanted to be happy?

So, what do you say, Thomas?

About what?

How about another hug?

Sorry, Dan, I think one hug per night is enough.

Now, come on Thomas.

I said, "No," Dan.

Thomas.

Here, have another beer, I gotta take a piss,

I'll be right back.

Hi mom, it's Thomas.

I'm at Leaf Creek.

Leaf Creek?

Yeah, Leaf Creek!

I'm fishing with Dan, remember?

Oh right, that's so nice of him to take you.

Yeah, mom.

That's what your father should be doing.

Taking you fishing.

Yeah, mom, it's nice of Dan.

And how are you, Thomas?

I'm doin' fine mom.

Yes, I've been eating enough.

Alright.

I'll see you tomorrow.

I love you too, mom.

Fuck.

Dad, it's Thomas.

None of you pussies could survive one night in jail.

Okay, you got me, I wouldn't survive in jail,

but I never knew that was something to be proud of.

Are you fuckin' with me?

No, he's not, dude.

Got you.

That's fucking it.

Fucking idiot.

What the fuck!

Nancy, oh my God.

- Nancy. - I'm sorry.

- Get the hell out of here! - I'm sorry.

Nancy, are you okay? Shit.

You hit a girl, you sick fuck.

I fuckin' didn't mean to.

- I thought it was him! - Why the hell did you want to hit me?

For talkin' to Elise, asshole!

Somebody call a fucking ambulance!

Well, as fun as this has been,

I think it's time for me to head home.

Do I detect sarcasm?

No, not when I said it's time to go home.

You can stay here, if you want.

The family is away at a relatives house for the night.

Thanks, but no thanks.

I think I prefer my own bed to some random couch.

I was talking about my bed.

You mean like,

you mean like I'm in your bed, and

and you're in another bed?

Or, I'm in your bed, and you're on the couch?

Or, we're sharin' the bed as friends?

Not that I share a bed with my friends.

I mean, I'm a little too old for that.

Let me back in!

You better leave right now.

Hell, fuck you, you fuckin' idiot.

Well, come on then, bitch!

Why are you being like this?

Like what?

Don't give me that attitude, Thomas.

After all I've done for you, this is how you treat me?

Like I'm some sort of goddamn leper.

I'm not, I swear I'm not.

- Get your hands off him. - Who the hell are you?

- His father, get your hands off him. - Okay, okay, just relax.

You're tellin' me to relax, you sick faggot?

You shouldn't use labels like that.

Maybe not, but in your case I'll make an exception.

Hey, we're all just human beings, you know.

Don't bullshit me.

No, you don't understand.

I understand that my son is only 16.

You go near my son ever again,

I will fuckin' kill you.

You okay?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

It's alright, Thomas.

Everything's gonna be alright.

Hey.

Take them off.

What, this fresh clean underwear?

You say that like they're not always fresh and clean.

Well, let's just say it's a bit of good timing.

You gonna say something?

I'm thinking.

You know you sitting there silent

isn't the best way to build up a guy's confidence.

You seemed plenty confident when we were arguing a few minutes ago.

Well, maybe that's because I wasn't standing in front of you,

totally naked, with a big boner.

Ben?

Yeah.

Are you okay?

Yeah, why?

Maybe it will be better if I was on top.

Sure, that's cool.

Don't worry, you're doing great.

Thanks for getting me.

No problem at all.

Feelin' a little better?

Yeah.

Dad, can I ask you a question?

Sure.

That Joel guy,

is he your boyfriend?

Yeah.

We've been dating for a while anyway.

Well,

I hope everything works out for you and him.

Thanks.

I really appreciate that.

Can you come over some time?

What do you mean?

For dinner maybe.

It would mean a lot to her.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Why not?

I really hurt your mother.

When she's ready to talk to me again,

well, if ever,

I think it should be up to her, not me.

Maybe you're right.

Good night, dad.

Good night, Thomas.

You've got a lot of energy.

Just think if I hadn't jerked off twice already today.

Is that true?

I'm getting used to this total honesty thing.

I think I like it.

Good.

I really like you.

You know that, right?

No, you don't.

I do.

In fact,

I think I could love you.

Ben, I'm a bitch.

No. you're not a bitch, that's all just an act.

I am a bitch, and besides, I'm leaving next week.

It'll never work out.

Maybe you could like move here.

I'm going back to Finland to be with my family.

And besides, you're a truly nice guy.

You deserve a nice girl, someone your own age.

But I'll never find a girl

I can argue with like we did tonight.

In a couple of years, you're going to have so many women throwing themselves at you.

Because you're a genuine guy,

with more integrity than any other guy I met.

You'll do just fine without me.

I know it.

Holy shit!

What?

I think the kid got laid.

Bow chicka bow wow!

Elise!

Elise?

Yeah, in a minute.

You broke her nose, and her cheekbone, Cory.

It's lucky she's alive.

It's not my fault.

I swear to God it was an accident.

Don't you get it?

My friend is in the hospital, lying in a bed.

Because I love you, Elise.

You think about that?

I don't know.

Come with me.

Where?

Away.

Away from your parents,

from all these rules,

from all this bullshit.

Is that the real reason?

Fine.

You wanna know why?

Because if I stay in this fucked-up state,

your friend Nancy will sue my ass off and win,

even though it wasn't my fault,

because they'll throw me in jail due to one little mistake.

Fuck this place!

We don't need it, Elise.

We can make it on our own.

We can really get our business going, I know it.

Cory,

I'm not going with you.

Why not?

I'm just not, okay?

You're just like the rest of them, you know that?

Like your fuckin' parents, and your fuckin' friends,

and everyone else.

Well, you know what?

Fuck you!

I'm going to make it,

and you all can eat my shit! Fuck!

Fuck!

Thanks, mom.

So, what happened last night?

Dan got really drunk,

and I didn't feel comfortable, so I came home.

Oh, who drove you?

Not Dan, I hope, if he was drinking?

Dad did.

All the way from the mountains?

Yeah.

Oh.

Well, that was really nice of him.

Yeah, it was.

Well, maybe you can do more things together.

You and your father.

I hope so.

Mom?

Yeah.

Can I ask you something?

What is it?

Um, I was wondering,

if you and dad could drive me to San Diego?

Can I ask why?

I was thinking,

I'm going to try to go to San Diego State after all.

But didn't you need to place a deposit

by the end of June to ensure a position?

I know, but I'm going to call the admissions office

tomorrow and see if it's not too late.

Last year the same thing happened to Stacy Edmonds, and they let her in.

Listen, why don't you call the school tomorrow,

and in the mean time,

I'll talk to dad, and see what he has to say about the whole thing.

- And mom? - Yeah?

Thanks.

Sure, honey.

Wanna skate?

Let's go.

What do you think?

I think we should do it.

Get at least one exciting story from this summer.

A story for the grandchildren?

Grandchildren?

If we make this,

this is a story we can tell tomorrow.

And if we don't make it?

Well,

at least we'll know we gave it a shot.

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